I'm 25 and I just found out I'm a Jew

hanukkah day three: a bit of jewography

2007-12-06T20:15:00.000+11:00

despite the fact that the sun has gone down (which means it is basically the middle of the night...) it is 31 degrees here and these candles are making me sweat. and no i am not being my usual hyperbolic self... it is actually 31 degrees, i am physically sweating and its 20.30... two out of three...

where else do jews live where it is this hot during hanukkah? looking at the weather in tel aviv, its only 19 degrees at the moment; miami 21; new york like -21 (ok -6, still, the majority is truth)

this brings me to another jewography question: do a lot of jews live in santa monica? cause my second hanukkah song treat is all about it. oh, and its 13 degrees there at the moment.

hanukkah day two: waiting for a visit from the bird

2007-12-05T19:35:00.000+11:00

my hanukkah presents to you all are glorious tunes.

hanukkah day one: why i hate daylight savings

2007-12-04T23:30:00.001+11:00

each day of hanukkah one must light a candle at sunset and let it burn for at least 30 minutes. daylight savings - no matter where you are - makes this a difficult task.

for our friends in the north who are experiencing winter, sunset can be anywhere from early to late afternoon. what are these people supposed to do - leave work early every day? "ah silly hanukkah again, you know how it is."

for me, i come home from work, want to chill out, maybe meet up with friends (ok who am i kidding i don't like leaving the house, but i would at least like to go to the movie store and leisurely pick out dvds) but i have to wait until 20.30 for the stupid sun to go down. that is possibly the most annoying evening time. its like rocking up to a bus stop only to find that the last one left 15 minutes ago and the next one doesn't arrive for another 15 minutes - it divides everything up is such a way that both alternatives are equally as crap. its too early to be able to do anything substantial after work, but also too late to do anything after the candles fizz out.

so for the next eight crazy nights i will be having a grand old time with my candles, couch and cats.

my solution: everyone move to the equator.

image courtesy: www.brunopieroni.com

if you want to do hanukkah

2007-12-03T19:23:00.000+11:00

never invite a jew to a press event if you can't even offer her an apple juice

2007-11-30T22:05:00.000+11:00

pretend you are hosting a big event and you want to invite members of the press to it - what would you do?

first you would probably make sure that the event is pressworthy i.e. not some shit fashion parade in a wanky bar with a feigned line outside. that is not an event - that is every saturday night in manhattan.

you then want to make sure that the members of the press are well taken care of to better your chances of positive coverage. drinks, nibbles, common courtesy, whatever.

what you should not do is invite press, throw a lame event, not offer your guests anything and treat people like turds. and, unless you really want to put the icing on the crap cake, do not have a busted debit machine and then tell someone in the press that if they want an apple juice they should go to the 7-eleven. excuse me? AN APPLE JUICE. seriously, if you can't give a sista an apple juice then don't even send her an invite.

maybe if they realised i was a jew they would have been nicer. not just cause we are cheap, but also because there are more 'bergs' in hollywood than in all of the alps.

what would a jew do?

2007-11-23T09:34:00.000+11:00

investment tip #1

a jew would not buy this:

https://www.lochaberhighlandestates.com

drink your gin and tonikkah...

2007-11-21T13:35:00.000+11:00

that's right. it's almost time for hanukkah. but unlike hallmark and adam sandler would have you believe, it is far from the jewish equivalent to christmas. much like canada, its international recognition and economic power can be attributed to its larger neighbour. let's face it anything that is even within a few months of christmas is vulnerable to being beaten to death with a marketing stick until its a holiday that only evil people don't celebrate with a smile and a lot of cash.

hanukkah is acutally more like remembrance day or easter. its kind of depressing. after an important temple was desecrated in jerusalem, there appeared to be only enough olive oil to light the eternal flame for one day. but the flame stayed ablaze for eight - the exact amount of time it took to press fresh oil.

so hanukkah is a celebration of the endurance of jewish spirituality after years of oppression under antiochus IV. yay lets go buy lots of presents and shit cards!

there are so many cooler jewish holidays other than hanukkah, which don't nearly get enough street cred because of the time of year. these include:

rosh ha shanah - jewish new year

you get to party and blow a giant shofar (horn)

purim - festival of lots

the name already makes it sound like a hedonistic dream. you get to dress up in costumes and eat. nuff said.

pesach - passover

ok this one is kinda sad too cause its all about freedom from oppression, but it's much bigger than hanukkah and you get to eat way more.

lag ba'omer

i really don't know how to translate this word or explain the festival's significance. all i know is that there are fires, picnics and bows and arrows involved.

so yes i will be celebrating hanukkah this year, but i have to say i am disappointed that it will be my first taste of a jewish holiday. as i am lighting the menorah i will no doubt have visions of horns, costumes, food and fires dancing in my head.

why insurance is like the godfather

2007-11-10T14:34:00.000+11:00

disclaimer: this has nothing to do with jew stuff - just something i needed to get off of my chest.

"what have i ever done to make you to treat me so disrespectfully? if you had come to me in friendship then this scum that ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day. and if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies then they would become my enemies. and then, they would fear you."

we have to pay it or we are in trouble. its for no good reason, really, except out of faith that when we need it, it will be there for us.

we have no choice but to make insurance our friend, because those big piles of cash can get us out of anything. public liability, shmublic liability. but if you aren't paying it beforehand, it will not bail you out afterwards. rewards only come from loyalty.

the godfather was a villain. he didn't outwardly threaten anyone, but his message was loud and clear: either you are my friend or my enemy. and no one wanted to be his enemy.

so how, i ask, did something founded on the same principles of the mafia develop this trust? how did muscling insurance become so institutionalised that it is a legal requirement? i can't buy a house without it, can't drive a car without it, can't travel without it - insurance is a bitch of a don.

i'd rather put my money on vito corleone. at least he had a cool voice.

go-go kosher

2007-10-27T11:54:00.000+10:00

ok so this is what i have learned about kosher (kashrut) practices so far:

1. animals that chew their cud and have "cloven hooves"are cool,
2. fish must have fins and scales, and
3. oh shucks, insects aren't kosher so i can't have those anymore.

you also can't mix dairy and meat or even the utensils that are used to prepare them.

well guess what suckas - i don't even eat dairy or meat to begin with so i basically embody all that is kosh.

as with most religious practices, however, the reasons why many of us jews do this are less than clear.

health?
to be different?
because God said so?
to keep those gentiles out of the loop?

top ten badassest jews of all time

2007-10-22T21:45:00.000+10:00

this is my humble list. suggestions welcome.

10. duffman
yes he is a jew and he can drink more than you.

9. matisyahu

ok the whole jew hip hop thing has been done a la beastie boys, but not dressed like this.

8. my grandma
she refuses to say the word "fart" but thinks you will die if you don't let one out. and seriously, the lady has style.

7. sir matthew nathan
this guy is amazing. his moustache alone gives him top marks for badassness. he was also the governor of sierra leone and hong kong, a life-long bachelor and has shit loads of cool streets named after him.

6. soleyman binafard
all i have to say is jewish iranian wrestler. the only one. ever.

5. willie "the lion" smith
amazing hat? check. wicked glasses? check. cigar? check. famous stride pianist who happened to be a black jew living in the US in the early 1900s? bad ass.

4. sammy davis jr.
seriously, this guy was hardcore. he chose his voice over getting cancer cut out of his throat. and he was making seven figures in the sixties and managed to spend more than his earnings.

3. optimus prime
this crazy transforming robot is indeed rumoured to be a jew. family guy said so, which is basically gospel. i also heard that he transformed into a synagogue for “the thing”.

2. isla fisher
you have to admire her. she is basically married to a retarded anti-semite, a wigger and some gay austrian d-list tv show host all at the same time.

1. courtney love

courtney love is a parody of herself and the entire early 1990s alternative music scene. everything about her is amazingly tragic.

photo credits: 10, 7, 4 www.wikipedia.org; 9 lightnin1979.jugem.jp; 8 my mum's phone; 5 www.hot-club.asso.fr © louis panassié.

what makes a jew a jew?

2007-10-21T14:58:00.000+10:00

ok so i have been told that i am a jew because my grandma (my mum's mum) is one and it goes through the maternal side.

but people can also convert to judaism?

are converts really jews?

are people who don't practice but who are born jews jews?

are people whose dads are jews jews?

oblivious?

2007-10-21T14:16:00.000+10:00

there are so many reasons why i should have known this earlier:

1. my grandparents changed their last name from rabinowich.

2. they left austria before the first world war.

3. i have a big nose.

4. i am a writer.

5. i am really cheap.

6. when i took my grandma to germany she was really angry the whole time and kept saying that we were in france.

peter is black?

2007-10-21T14:06:00.000+10:00

sometimes discovering stuff is awesome. like when i found money in my old ski coat from last year so it was like getting $20 for free. or when i got a whole carton of double-yoked eggs.

and sometimes it sucks. like when i found out there was no santa and i told my whole kindergarten class that he didn't exist and then the teacher refused to put any of my artwork up for the rest of the year. or when i found out that arrested development was being canned.

and sometimes it is just too much to take in at once. like when they ran that family guy episode where peter found out he was black. or when i was 25 and just found out that i am a jew.

the money and the yolks, santa and arrested development and peter have all settled in. this jew business is going to take some serious getting used to.

i am no longer just boring old white. am i an ethnic minority? was my nose really this big all along? was i always sarcastic and cheap and loud? and the thing i have for thick glasses? and the movie beaches? and fran drescher? it is all starting to come together now.