hanukkah day three: a bit of jewography

despite the fact that the sun has gone down (which means it is basically the middle of the night...) it is 31 degrees here and these candles are making me sweat. and no i am not being my usual hyperbolic self... it is actually 31 degrees, i am physically sweating and its 20.30... two out of three...

where else do jews live where it is this hot during hanukkah? looking at the weather in tel aviv, its only 19 degrees at the moment; miami 21; new york like -21 (ok -6, still, the majority is truth)

this brings me to another jewography question: do a lot of jews live in santa monica? cause my second hanukkah song treat is all about it. oh, and its 13 degrees there at the moment.

hanukkah day two: waiting for a visit from the bird

my hanukkah presents to you all are glorious tunes.

hanukkah day one: why i hate daylight savings

each day of hanukkah one must light a candle at sunset and let it burn for at least 30 minutes. daylight savings - no matter where you are - makes this a difficult task.

for our friends in the north who are experiencing winter, sunset can be anywhere from early to late afternoon. what are these people supposed to do - leave work early every day? "ah silly hanukkah again, you know how it is."

for me, i come home from work, want to chill out, maybe meet up with friends (ok who am i kidding i don't like leaving the house, but i would at least like to go to the movie store and leisurely pick out dvds) but i have to wait until 20.30 for the stupid sun to go down. that is possibly the most annoying evening time. its like rocking up to a bus stop only to find that the last one left 15 minutes ago and the next one doesn't arrive for another 15 minutes - it divides everything up is such a way that both alternatives are equally as crap. its too early to be able to do anything substantial after work, but also too late to do anything after the candles fizz out.

so for the next eight crazy nights i will be having a grand old time with my candles, couch and cats.

my solution: everyone move to the equator.


image courtesy: www.brunopieroni.com

if you want to do hanukkah

never invite a jew to a press event if you can't even offer her an apple juice

pretend you are hosting a big event and you want to invite members of the press to it - what would you do?

first you would probably make sure that the event is pressworthy i.e. not some shit fashion parade in a wanky bar with a feigned line outside. that is not an event - that is every saturday night in manhattan.

you then want to make sure that the members of the press are well taken care of to better your chances of positive coverage. drinks, nibbles, common courtesy, whatever.

what you should not do is invite press, throw a lame event, not offer your guests anything and treat people like turds. and, unless you really want to put the icing on the crap cake, do not have a busted debit machine and then tell someone in the press that if they want an apple juice they should go to the 7-eleven. excuse me? AN APPLE JUICE. seriously, if you can't give a sista an apple juice then don't even send her an invite.

maybe if they realised i was a jew they would have been nicer. not just cause we are cheap, but also because there are more 'bergs' in hollywood than in all of the alps.

what would a jew do?

investment tip #1

a jew would not buy this:

https://www.lochaberhighlandestates.com

drink your gin and tonikkah...

that's right. it's almost time for hanukkah. but unlike hallmark and adam sandler would have you believe, it is far from the jewish equivalent to christmas. much like canada, its international recognition and economic power can be attributed to its larger neighbour. let's face it anything that is even within a few months of christmas is vulnerable to being beaten to death with a marketing stick until its a holiday that only evil people don't celebrate with a smile and a lot of cash.

hanukkah is acutally more like remembrance day or easter. its kind of depressing. after an important temple was desecrated in jerusalem, there appeared to be only enough olive oil to light the eternal flame for one day. but the flame stayed ablaze for eight - the exact amount of time it took to press fresh oil.

so hanukkah is a celebration of the endurance of jewish spirituality after years of oppression under antiochus IV. yay lets go buy lots of presents and shit cards!

there are so many cooler jewish holidays other than hanukkah, which don't nearly get enough street cred because of the time of year. these include:

rosh ha shanah - jewish new year



you get to party and blow a giant shofar (horn)

purim - festival of lots











the name already makes it sound like a hedonistic dream. you get to dress up in costumes and eat. nuff said.

pesach - passover











ok this one is kinda sad too cause its all about freedom from oppression, but it's much bigger than hanukkah and you get to eat way more.

lag ba'omer









i really don't know how to translate this word or explain the festival's significance. all i know is that there are fires, picnics and bows and arrows involved.

so yes i will be celebrating hanukkah this year, but i have to say i am disappointed that it will be my first taste of a jewish holiday. as i am lighting the menorah i will no doubt have visions of horns, costumes, food and fires dancing in my head.